I  knew these days would come.

I knew the lease would end and she would move. I knew the bellies would swell while mine stayed flat ish despite my swelling baby fever. I knew the leaves would change again and the temperature would sooth itself off the ledge of languishing hot. I knew we’d wait for answers on what the next season of his career will be.

I knew the seasons would change.

Yet here I am, digging heels in, and demanding that it not.

Not that here has been comfortable. This season was full enough of challenges, tears, and chaos. We’ve been too busy and he’s worked too much.

But it was just for a season. And while I’m grateful for the season ending, I’m not ready to move on either. I’d like to just push pause to let my heart catch up with all the change.

One day I vacuum in frustration. I can control the visible dust on my floors and so I push in the headphones, shuffle an old playlist, and I sing mindlessly, deafly along to songs I’ve known for decades.

My heart lurches as the words pass through my lips.

Even now in death You open doors for life to enter . . .

The tears join in uninvited and my arms fling wide, vacuum still running. This is right where I’m living. The painful process of death and new life is what scares my heart stiff and clutches fingers to anything that might last. My lips no longer mindlessly moving, I muster every ounce of breath in these lungs and push the prayerful praise out with my whole heart.

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced,
Teaching us to breathe.
And what was frozen through is newly purposed,
Turning all things green.
So it is with You and how You make me new
With every season’s change.
And so it will be as You are recreating me:
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring.
(Every Season, Nichole Nordeman)

Yes. I know it’s my heart that freezes so quickly. And I know it is this changing season that draws it thawing, warm, and needy even as the leaves release their life.

Living comes in dying and it happens all year long. This is the beauty of the life with Jesus – that He can make things new any day, any season.

The key to living today is in dying to all my preconceived notions of what my Season-Sovereign God is doing.

_____________________________

Katie Kump is an Army wife, a nanny, and a mentor to college women who has found that writing is the only way to feel rightly. When she's not downing guacamole or turning the living room into a dance floor, you can find her celebrating the Word in her own words at www.KatieKump.com. Follow her on Twitter @KatieKump and at LinkedIn.